


inspirit

by petermaldonado



Series: fighting for solace [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Intimacy, Kissing, M/M, Uncertainty, idk what else to tag it, thats all this is tbh, very light angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 03:17:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18562810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petermaldonado/pseuds/petermaldonado
Summary: Armin and Eren reflect on what they mean to each other, because they could be dead very soon. Armin doesn't want to die without having kissing Eren once more like he used to.A reimagining of the night where chapter 72 (ep 49) takes place + the conversation they have in chapter 73 (ep 50).





	inspirit

The three sit together. They had fallen silent after delicate exchanges about what they hope will happen following their operation; they quickly found no words could be found between the three of them. Tomorrow they would embark on a journey to their hometown; with what would be the most dangerous operation they have yet to encounter. They know, collectively, that this could be the last moment they could be all together, just the three of them. The thought terrifies Armin; so much so that he is stilled with fear. It is a thought so horrifying that it numbs his whole body, he is drowning in it.

 

It’s cruel, because if this is the last moments he would get to spend with the two most important, most precious people in his life, he should get to savour it. He wants to hold them, to laugh and to cry with them and cup their cheeks and to tell them without a grain of inhibition  that they have made his life a wonderful, meaningful adventure; even if he never got to see the outside world, he feels like he experienced something great - something special - because of Mikasa and Eren.

 

Mikasa breaks the silence first; which is a surprise to Armin. She’s always the more quiet, more reticent out of the three. Armin has always thought that she and Eren balance each other out quite nicely.

 

“You two,” she starts and then stops, as if she’s choosing her next few words very carefully. “You’ve given me something to fight for.” Her eyes are trained on the ground, as if she’s studying the cracks with such intricacy. 

“Hope, I suppose, you’ve given me hope.” She says finally, and Armin feels his numbness begin to dispel, and suddenly he feels enshrouded in emotion. Mikasa usually isn’t this upfront with her sentimentality. Armin knows that she loves him - but her affections are always shown in very subtle ways, like asking if they’ve eaten enough, or asking how they’ve slept the morning after a particularly hard day. This, Armin thinks, is the first time Mikasa let herself be so vulnerable in front of the two of them. 

 

He sits, unsure of what to say. He feels Eren’s hand swiftly clasp his shoulder, pulling him in tight towards him, and when he looks up he sees that he’s done the same with Mikasa. Armin lets out a sad laugh; it’s the perfect metaphor to describe the three of them, he thinks. Armin and Mikasa, both pulled in tight that the anchor that was Eren Jaeger.

 

“We know.” Eren speaks, his head is turned to the direction of Mikasa, both of them exchanging a look that makes Armin suddenly feel like he is intruding on something that doesn’t involve him. He looks away, but doesn’t budge from Eren’s grip.  Armin understands that what they both have is an unspoken bond that Armin, no matter how close he is to them, could never fathom. Its them and him. Thinking that makes his heart sink slightly, and he feels selfish for it. 

 

A cold breeze blows through the air, reminding the three that the night is coming into fruition. “We should head back before someone sees we’re still out after lights out.” Eren says after a moment of silence, taking his grip off of the both of them and standing up, turning to face them with a grin that doesn’t meet his eyes. He helps both of them up and gives Mikasa a hug before bidding her goodnight. When Armin gives Mikasa a hug, he makes sure to squeeze extra tight than usual.

 

A wave of nostalgia hits Armin as he enters the bunker; recalling the days when sleeping side by side with Eren among their fellow trainees was the norm. He wants nothing more than to go back; to the time before they found out that Eren was a titan, or that Annie, Bert and Reiner are their enemies, when Christa was still Christa and before he had the blood of another human on his hands. Armin finds that he took how easy life was back then for granted, that the Armin back then was sweetly naive.

  
  


They change into their night clothes in silence, neither of them have spoken a word in several minutes. Armin’s gaze meets Eren’s when he feels him grip the sleeve of Armin’s shirt; he is giving him a look he hasn’t seen from Eren in so, so long. It is one he’d seen fairly often during their training days, full of tenderness and concern. Armin hates how small it makes him feel.

 

Eren takes a step closer to Armin, his hand unwavering from the grip on his sleeve. Armin resists the overwhelming urge to take a step back. Once, he might have considered Eren to be something more of a friend; not a boyfriend, per se, but something that was dancing in between. After all, it wasn’t exactly friendly to spend every night in the same bed as your friend, exchanging kisses and more often than not falling asleep in each other's arms. 

 

But things had changed, it seemed, all at once. They joined the Survey Corps and suddenly they didn’t share the same bed anymore, and subsequently all other affection was gone. The look in Eren’s eyes, one that was once reserved for only him, has vanished. Now all Armin can see is his beguiling wrath and fear, twisting with an inexplicable sadness that makes Armin’s heart wrench. Armin knows that the trauma that Eren endured has finally begun to take a toll on him, that cracks are steadily forming.

 

He feels like he doesn’t know Eren anymore, not like he used to. There was once a time that Armin felt like he understood Eren better than anyone else did. His motivations, aspirations, everything. But now everything is twisted and complicated and Armin just  _ doesn’t  _ know anymore, and though he doesn’t care to admit it, perhaps it hurts his pride. Oh, how he longs for the days when he and Eren shared their own little semaphores - how they could move around each other with such fluidity - as if they were one person. It was something so subtle, but so intimate. Armin wonders if Eren wants them to go back to the  _ something _ they were, or if his desire for Armin in that way dwindled as time separated them.

 

Armin breaks the eye contact and sits on the edge of his bed, his fingers gripping the thin duvet from underneath him and running it through his fingers. This makes Eren sigh as he stands before him. Armin doesn’t dare look up. He is waiting for Eren’s words.

 

“Armin,” Eren says, his voice uncharacteristically small. “Armin, are you scared?”

 

It isn’t a question Armin is expecting and as a result, he meets his eyes again. Armin frowns, because of course he is scared, what kind of question is that? They could be all dead tomorrow - or perhaps, even worse - Eren and Mikasa could be dead and Armin could be alive. 

 

“Of course I’m scared. Are you trying to say you’re not?”

 

Eren gestures for Armin to move to give him space, and sits in the space next to him. The closeness is a welcomed return, Armin wants to melt into it.

 

“Why would I be scared?” Eren smiles but he can see right through his facade. Being up close doesn't help Eren's case, Armin can see his wavering lip. In fact, he is close enough that if he really, really wants to, he could trace the outline of his lip with his thumb before cupping his cheeks and finally kiss him like he's been wanting to since-

 

Armin blinks. His eyes move from Eren's lips to his eyes again. 

 

“You can't be serious…” Armin sighs, shaking his head and turning his head to stare out into nothing instead. “I know you have a lot of pressure on you, but you don't have to constantly hide how you're feeling. Especially not with me.”

 

Armin feels the tension grow between them; his last words lingering in the air. From the corner of his eye, he can see the outlines of Eren's frown, his face cast downward. Realising that he isn't going to say anything, Armin presses on.

 

“The first time I faced… one of them, that day, I was frozen still. I couldn't move. It was like I  had completely given up on everything. But you just- you got me out of that Titan's mouth. You sacrificed yourself for me. You never should have done that for me.” His voice is a bare whisper by the time he finishes speaking. He diffidently plays with the loose strands of thread that poked out at the edges of the duvet, his daze cast downwards. It’s the first time either of them spoke of that day with each other, but it swarms around Armin’s thoughts constantly.

 

“I’d do it again, I mean. I know everything's different now but I don’t regret my actions. I’d sacrifice myself for you a thousand times, Armin.”

 

“Don’t say that.” Armin retorts, his voice carrying more bite than he intended. He turns to face him again.  “Eren, when it comes down to it, you’re the best shot humanity has at being free, one day. My life isn’t… it’s not as important as yours, okay?”

 

“You’ve saved me and Mikasa more times than I can count. Your plans have been the reason why we’ve gotten this far. Why can’t you realize your importance too?” Eren argues back, his voice low in register but increasing in volume. Armin hopes that no one wakes to hear this conversation. 

 

Armin stills, unsure of how to answer back to him. Eren seizes the opportunity to keep talking.

 

“Besides… I don’t think I’d want to have that freedom without you. We’re going to see the ocean together, right?”

 

“Yeah..” Armin agrees, suddenly sheepish. He realises how close in proximity they are. Have they been this close this whole time? 

 

Eren, however, remains persistent. He takes Armin's hand in his own, holding and marvelling at it as if it's the most prized and precious thing he's had the privilege of holding. “Every time I think about seeing the outside world, the sea, the lands of ice… I just know we're going to see it, you know?” He smiles, because despite all they've been through his heart is still young and optimistic and he still believes that a happy ending is in attainable. He gives Armin a soft squeeze, and Armin can feel the _thumthumthum_ in his own chest. 

 

“We haven't held hands in a long time.” He remarks without thinking, his eyes lingering on their intertwined fingers. They both know he is alluding to something else. Eren keeps his eyes on Armin.

 

“I know. I never stopped wanting you though. It's just, once we got out of the flow of it I didn't know you wanted it still - and then, well, so much has happened. It's not like we could have casually brought it up. ” Eren says, frowning. Armin feels a concoction of emotions which feels like all once. Eren wants this, Eren  _ has _ wanted this. Armin decides suddenly: fuck this; fuck the uncertainty and the inhibition and the aching. They could be dead tomorrow and Armin can’t let this opportunity pass. With fumbling hands, he lets go of Eren's hold, instead cupping his cheeks with his hands. He leans in and kisses him.

 

He puts everything into that kiss, everything he's been wanting to say.  _ I missed you. I missed you. I'm so fucking sick of missing you. I can't stand the thought of ever losing you. I need you more than I can comprehend.  _ And Eren is pulling him close and then letting his hands touch Armin's body and it feels like coming home. They melt into one another, and Armin feels his minds go lax. He feels drunk. Time and space that surrounds him fades; all he can feel and touch and comprehend is Eren. His best friend, his  _ something _ .

 

They pull apart briefly and Armin wants to cry when he sees the look Eren is giving him. He wants to bottle it. It's a look so sweet and loving and Armin bets that many would doubt Eren is capable of such a soft expression. 

 

“I love you, Armin.” Eren says matter-of-factly, it runs off his tongue easily between his weighted breaths, but is full of sincerity. 

 

Armin smiles, because if Eren loves him, he can do anything. Can't he? They can do this, titans be damned. They're going to pull out of this mess together, along with Mikasa, and see the ocean. 

 

“I love you too, Eren. You precious idiot.” Armin jests with a small, happy laugh; leaning into him again because he can't stop himself from kissing Eren once he's started and they have to make use of the time they have left.

 

What happens next is sacred and sweet; reserved solely for them. Accordingly, they both keep as quiet as possible.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I fell in love with these idiots in 2014 and here I am 5 years later after a prolonged wave of nostalgia-- I had to get this out of my system I guess ! This is kinda rushed + not thoroughly edited bc I wanted to get it out of the way before exams
> 
> hmu at arlertt on tumblr with any prompts! (for any ships)


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